I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. Hmm, just tried re-creating my original comment and thats not showing up either. The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. Me:why? I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. Baking a cake. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. person: Hey, hiya, rya? Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. So whats the fallout if I tell her I need her help with something, and she refuses without a good reason (because she wants to play Minecraft or listen to a podcast)? 8. Hidden Siri Commands and Unusual Responses | TechSpot Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans. Giving my notebook a bath. Because shes a family member. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. Eating. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). That takes some skill. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. The bigger words you use, the better. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. 2. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. (Seriously? Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. Im trying to train her out of the habit. All right, good, fine, grand are the normal answers, and then its repeated back. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. 3. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. Need some help actually. Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). At least, it never has for me! If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. Nanani, that is absolutely true. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. 2. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. Opposite of what I want . This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) or are you busy?). If you want to invite them, INVITE. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. 3. Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. Try these instead. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! Thoughts When He Texts "What Are You Doing This Weekend?" - Bolde Yes! One thing to add if youre not in the headspace to perform happy (thanks for putting it so well, @Mookie), taking it day by day is also a cliched but handy phrase. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). The underlying assumption, is/. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. Do you like, like me? 18. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. , I am in a cat trance. And because family members pitch in. Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. Shampooing the grass. But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. Published on August 6, 2022. No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. Absolutely, this too. None of us see each other over weekends. It was glorious. And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). Rock on, Helen. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" - Mom Advice Line LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. And suddenly many things became clear. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. I love so hard your example in #3. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." What are your plans for the weekend? - Making Sense of English I like to use Oh, you know, just some of the usual weekend stuff. Because as far as I can tell, youre saying you want to be treated with the closeness of family, only you seem pretty adamant you dont actually want to be family with her in the sense of two adults choosing to be together and support each other as family youre very clear that you want a relationship where you retain levels of dominance and control only suitable with a minor child. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. Like now? Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. Text N Girls Pua Game PDF | PDF | Text Messaging | Guru - Scribd Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. 1. Always? Bye. Why? Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. What are you doing Thursday? Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. Am I supposed to answer? Yes, exactly. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. Why does it need taking care of?? She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. Great, Thanks for Asking. My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. Giving my turtle a haircut. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. Any event. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. And then deflect back on to them. 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. Why? Yes! I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! If you already made someone admit that they do not have Serious Plans, of course at this point saying no to your invitation is going to be so much more difficult, because its going to be rude!
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